October 19, 2006

  • I got to pick my mom up at the airport Monday night.  This was the first time I had seen her since the beginning of Feburary.  ( !! )


    Mom left for England back in Feb to go help my Grandmother prepare for a hip replacement.   She was going to go over there for a month or two . . help her through the surgery and recovery . . and then come back home. 


    Before the surgery could happen, they found the beginnings of cancer in my Grandmothers bladder.   (they found it through a re-occurring bladder infection.)   Suddenly a month or two turned into . . 'well . . maybe three or four months'.  Then the cancer grew and spread.  That stuff acts so quickly sometimes.  My mother called me the second week of July. . . . and told me to plan my trip out there a little sooner than I thought . . . maybe sometime in August . . . because the doctors said there was nothing they could do for her.


    I planned my trip for the first week of August . . . and started saving $$ to be able to pay for the plane ticket to the UK.


    Sunday morning . . July 16th . .  my Grandmother . . . my darling, sweet, amazingly wonderful Grandmother passed away.  I never got the chance to see her for the last time . . . I never got the chance to get the ticket to go to her funeral. 


    I feel guilty.  INCREDIBLY guilty.  I'm family.  I loved that woman SO much (I still love her so much) . . it still kills me to think about it.  It just happened so fast . . . I didn't have the money . . my job would have fired me . . . excuses excuses excuses.    I should have gone.  *sigh*  I can't get that horribly guilty feeling out of my heart right now . . .    . . .    . . . I should have gone. . .

Comments (5)

  • Mere.....please don't do this to yourself.  You were where you were meant to be.  My niece Wendy is feeling the same way because she had been with Christopher all weekend when the "mistake" was made and then she decided to go home to her husband and children and Christopher died about an hour later. 

    There is nothing you can do about it and your grandmother KNOWS that you love (not loved, because you still love)her.  You can talk to her anytime you want; I do so with my mother and Critter. 

    Big hugs coming your way.  Don't beat yourself up, ok??

    Janice

  • It is being alive that makes loss inevitable. The depth of your grief is apparent, and you were lucky to have someone so special who you loved so well, and who let you love them so deeply.

    And I believe with all my heart (and I never met the woman) that the LAST thing your grandmother would EVER want is for you to feel guilty.

    Now it's your turn to pass on to others the love she gave to you.

  • Honey, don't do this to yourself.  Your grandmother would have been upset if you lost your job just to attend her funeral.  If you were meant to see her before she passed away, it would have happened.  Your grandmother knows you love her and always will and she doesn't want you feeling badly about this.  She understands, really, she does. 

    ((((hugs))))

  • Hey Myth!  I miss you too!  I want too see you!!!   I've been so busy with school and Mary Kay...   UGH...

    I hope everything is going well!!!!    I hope to talk to you soon!  I just love you, girl...  Seriously...

    -Sarah

  • RYC to my comment.  Yes, I thought the last part, too, but didn't want to say it! It will take time for you to work through this so don't let the guilt drag you down, too.  I think it was for the best, I really do!

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