May 2, 2008

• Nostalgia . . .

  Recently, I've been thinking about "The Past" . . . that part of our lives that we look at with rose colored glasses and remember "how wonderful it was".  (for the most part . . I realize that there are things that people never look at with a positive light.)  This post was brought on by another xangan who was talking about his past . . and the things that can automatically transport you right back there. But I digress.  This little part in my life truely was wonderful.  The only bad part about it is that it doesn't exist any more. 

  
  

  I met N back in highschool.  He was a frosh, and I was a junior.  I'm not even sure how we started hanging out . . but we did.  He lived a few blocks from me . . and we became very good friends.  I always got along better with folks who were younger than me . . I'm not sure why.  (pardon my brain veering off course . . I do that often.)  N and I would get together on weekends, or almost every day during the summer . . we'd hang out and just do random stuff . . . have monopoly tournaments . . play Mortal Kombat (sp?) . . play basketball . . do strange little experiements with a photo lens cap and my car dashboard (don't ask) . . hang out with other friends,etc.  He was probably one of the very few true friends I had.  Probably the closest friend I had at that time.  There was nothing romantic or anyway relationship related in our friendship.  Infact, his best guy friend was a classmate of mine (who happened to be the kid I had a crush on.)  We'd all go over to J's house (my crush), and I'd act all weird (cause I had serious social issues back then) . .and N would be all "what the heck is wrong with you."  I never answered that question.   We didnt' talk about stuff like that.  No feelings . . no girl stuff.  I was one of the guys when I was around him.  Except for little things.  He'd call me in the morning . . . he'd be down in his basement playing video games . . and he'd feel the need to call me.  But he wouldn't say anything.  I'd be all "um . . if you're not going to say anything I'm going to hang up" . . . and he'd say "No wait!" . . and then not say anything.  This happened often.  Eventually I would just go over there, and we'd both play video games, and not say anything.  For some reason . . that just makes me smile.  It was strange . . and annoying . . but also weirdly endearing. 

  
  

  2 years and 2 summers flew by pretty darn quickly, and N made it quite clear that he didn't like the idea of growing up. (typical man . . doesn't like change *grin*)  Especially nearing the end of that second summer.  He would make comments such as "you're not allowed to graduate" ... or "nope . . you're not going to get any older.  You're always going to be a Senior" . . "you're not allowed to go to college". . . . stuff like that.  I always smiled at him and said "don't be ridiculous . . . we'll still hang out.  I'll only be 30 minutes from here . . no biggie".  He'd just look at me.  Never said anything. 

  
  

  One night we were out late . . ( I don't remember what we were doing) . . but I drove him home (as he wasn't old enough to drive yet)  . . . it was nearing the end of the summer . . and I was gearing up to go to the big "C" (college).   As he was getting out of the car . . . he stopped his exit . . got back in the car, wrapped his skinny arms around my neck and hugged me tight.  I can only imagine that his eyes were squeezed shut . . and he said to me . . "I love you just the way you are . . please don't change". 

  
  

  I was floored.  I hugged him back . . but I was completely speechless.  I didn't know what to say . . I might have said "I love you too" but I'm not sure.  He then let go and immediately jumped out of the car . . obviously embarrassed by the display of emotion.  And I just sat there.  I waited for him to go inside . . watched the garage door close . . but I still just sat there.  That was one of the last times we spent any time together. 

  
  

  I got to see him about a year later, at a friend of ours wedding (yup . . married young).  It was good to see N . . but things were . . . different.  He had new friends, different friends.  So did I.  I had tried to call him to get together while I was in my first year of college . . but I admit, I didn't try as hard as I should have.  Neither did he.  College took up a lot of my time . . . I was beginning to find out who *I* was . . . and I changed.  And eventually my little innocent friend grew up and went to college . . joined the Airforce . . . and changed.  He was interested in girls. (ew!!   )  He swore.  (he used to yell at me when we used to hang out . .and a curse word would escape my mouth.  We were so innocent.)  I started dating . . I'm sure he did too.  I changed some more . .and so did he. 

  
  

  Who I am today is a shell of that former self.  My body is essentially the same (ok . . a bit more plush) . . but the inside . . the inside is stronger, more sure, more aware than I ever was in HS.  But from time to time . . I wish.  I wish we could be that innocent again. 

  
  

  I found N on one of those popular networking websites recently.  It allows me to take a look at his life since we've been friends.  We've exchanged a few awkward emails, with typical glossed-over life information (graduated here, live here now . . doing this . . how are you?) etc etc.  Part of me wants to email him . . spill my guts . . tell him that I miss our close friendship and the fun we used to have . . and that I still care for him.  He's actually back in the area.  But I'm afraid.  Part of that old 'wallflower'ness is back . . and I can't bring myself to emote to him . . . and tell him that I miss his friendship.  We're both so different now.  I'm afraid he'll see me as desperate . . . or . . something . . who knows.  It's possible that we've both grown so differen't that we won't get along any more. . I don't know.  But I do know that those two years with his friendship were very special to me . . and I'm very glad to have had them. 

  • 3:03 pm
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