So . . . my thoughts are jumbled and scattered and . . . I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I don't even know why I'm here writing . . . other than the fact that I haven't been here in a long time . . . and I really just don't know what to do with myself right now. 

In one way, I'm happy.  I had a wonderful day.  A fantastic bootcamp that kicked my butt.  A great rehearsal with a bunch of fabulous musicians.  A great day in the sunshine and the warmth that I love. 

But . . . I'm sad.  I came home to an empty house.  Usually this doesn't bother me . . . but today?  Today it would have been nice to have someone here.  To greet me and say hello.   To give me a hug and a kiss and ask me . . . "how was your day?".  Something so simple . . . yet it just kinda knocked the wind out of me today. 

I'm not usually the girl that relies on someone.  I can take care of myself.  I'm independent and strong and happy.  But every so often . . . . (ok more than that), I need contact.  Physical contact with others.  A touch, a hug.  I got a hug from a friend yesterday, and during the hug he ran his hand over my back a few times.  Just absent minded . . . didn't mean a thing.  But it reminded me of what a simple touch can do.  And it reminded me how good a simple touch can make you feel.  And now, I want more. 

So now I just feel lonely.  I know I'm not alone . . no one is ever really, truly alone.  But I'm lonely.  I miss having someone close to me, someone I loved.  Someone I freely and openly loved.  And frankly, someone who loved me back.