I have an amazing life. I've been places and done things that people only dream of. I'm only 32.
But . . . there it is . . that ugly word. I have it all. BUT.
I want more.
Is it greed? Selfishness? Idiocy? Jealousy? The grass is greener, and all that jazz. It might be a little bit of all of that.
I've lost 110 lbs. I WANT MORE. I still have a ways to go, and I'm currently struggling. This shit is HARD. A friend told me . . "no one said it would be easy. It'll just be worth it." Yeah super great thanks . . . I want it to be EASY. I know I won't appreciate it if it wasn't difficult . . . but does it have to be SO difficult that I struggle daily? That I drive myself into depression because my stomach isn't flat and I feel I'm not worthy to live my own life? (that's the idiocy creeping in right there). This is the funny part . . I *know* it's dumb. I know that it's ridiculous to think that I'm not worth an amazing life because my stupid skin sticks out in places that I don't like. I know it's useless and that I can also do something about it (which, I have so far). But yet that part of me . . that girlie, emotional, socially susceptible part of me is in my head screaming "it's not fair!".
(I keep expecting to see some old black and white movie star. Hair slicked back. Cigarette between his lips. He has a small chuckle at my brains outburst and, removing the cigarette from his mouth with two fingers, says "no shit honey. Life sure ain't fair. Not one bit." . . . and chuckles again while sticking the cigarette between his lips again.)
I'll continue trudging on. It's not in me to give up. I just wish I could catch a break with this weight loss.
It's not that I'm not thankful for everything I have. Trust me. I am. I earned a lot of it all on my own. Hard work pays off, etc. And I'm not expecting my life to get miraculously better once I reach my goal weight ... but I know, for certain, that I'll be able to life my life more freely. Enjoy it more. The albatross might still hang around my neck . . .
but he'll weigh a LOT less than he used to.
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