So . . . my thoughts are jumbled and scattered and . . . I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t even know why I’m here writing . . . other than the fact that I haven’t been here in a long time . . . and I really just don’t know what to do with myself right now. 

In one way, I’m happy.  I had a wonderful day.  A fantastic bootcamp that kicked my butt.  A great rehearsal with a bunch of fabulous musicians.  A great day in the sunshine and the warmth that I love. 

But . . . I’m sad.  I came home to an empty house.  Usually this doesn’t bother me . . . but today?  Today it would have been nice to have someone here.  To greet me and say hello.   To give me a hug and a kiss and ask me . . . “how was your day?”.  Something so simple . . . yet it just kinda knocked the wind out of me today. 

I’m not usually the girl that relies on someone.  I can take care of myself.  I’m independent and strong and happy.  But every so often . . . . (ok more than that), I need contact.  Physical contact with others.  A touch, a hug.  I got a hug from a friend yesterday, and during the hug he ran his hand over my back a few times.  Just absent minded . . . didn’t mean a thing.  But it reminded me of what a simple touch can do.  And it reminded me how good a simple touch can make you feel.  And now, I want more. 

So now I just feel lonely.  I know I’m not alone . . no one is ever really, truly alone.  But I’m lonely.  I miss having someone close to me, someone I loved.  Someone I freely and openly loved.  And frankly, someone who loved me back.

Well . . .  here I am again.  Just short of a year later. 

Life has been hectic . . . crazy at times.  (Typical for the life of a crazy girl!)

Many things have changed this year . . new apartment, new outlook on life.  I’ve also managed to almost completely transform my body.  I’ve lost 101 lbs.  I’ve gone from hardcore couch potato to . . . well almost hardcore fitness fanatic.   I’ve got about 50 more pounds to lose (give or take a few).  I participated in my first 5K running race last year (in September – Komen’s Race For The Cure), and I’m planning on quite a schedule this year.  Including my first Sprint Triathlon (1/2 mi swim, 12 mi bike ride, 3.2 mi run) and my first Half Marathon. 

I’m beyond excited.  I may not be able to get into that bikini yet . .. but I will be so much closer than I have been since I can remember.  My dreams have always gone to the ‘skinny, healthy’ side of me . . . and it’s taken quite a long time bring that dream to fruition.  But here I am . . .  2/3rds of the way there.   And I can’t wait to see what this year holds for me. 

Happy New Year everyone. 

I’ve strayed from Xanga for a while.   I still think about it often, but I find that the time I’m allotted only allows for a certain number of extras . . . and unfortunately Xanga is one that often loses.  Too often. 

So busy.  So many things changing.  So much excitement and stress and wonder.  But I’m handling it well.  Brilliantly in fact. 

Parting shots . . .  random photos from my Xanga-bernation.  Got a new camera in December . . . Cannon Power Shot SX10 IS.  Fabulous.  SO much better than my old point and shoot.  I swooned when I opened the box . . .

Who’s learning to like herself just a bit. 

This might be a little vain.  So be it.  I’ve needed to feel this way for a long time.  So I might go a little overboard for a while.  But I’m sure I’ll balance out.  I have quite a few years to make up for . . .

I’m enjoying right now…………

~*~*~ From Etsy:

shop:  angeldamico

shop:  silvercrystaljewlery

shop:  dsbrennan   *~* I absolutely LOVE this photograph

shop:  sandmaiden

Shop:  flutter

Shop:  thepairabirds                        *~* Isn’t this just stunning? 

~*~*~  Music

Regina Spektor – “Samson”…………everything about this song I love.  The sultry piano, her quirky and spot on voice, the eclectic lyrics.  I have to resist putting just that song on repeat for the entire day . . .

Jane Monheit – “The Folks Who Live On The Hill”…………..I know I’ve mentioned this golden-throated woman before, but I have to mention her again.  She weaves in and out of a pure sweet voice and a smoky jazz voice with skill and agility.  I could easily listen to her all day.  She’s also teamed up with a group of fabulous jazz musicians . . . which just makes for the perfect song / album. 

~*~*~  Randomness

The new trend in “steam bag” items in the freezer section.   Thank you thank you for making them plain so I can season on my own. 

The weather.  Aside from the fact that we need a bit more rain . . . this summer has been absolutely delightful.  Cooler weather, warmer weather . . . I love it all, and I’ll take it all . . . especially with the days of pure delight that we’ve had.  The sunsets have been stunning, the lake breezes refreshing, and the endless skies just stunning. 

Yesterday was pure delight for me. 

I slept in . . . the first day in (what seems like ) ages.  Awoke to hungry kitties . . . so I indulged them in some of the fancy (read: expensive) food that they like . . but rarely keep in the house.  Made a large cup of coffee and went out on the porch in my PJ’s.  It was warm . . . the warm wrapped around me like a soft blanket as I sat on my outdoor chair.  The kitties wound themselves around my legs and jumped onto the table holding my coffee.  Curious noses hovered over the cup . . . but unfortunately nothing much interesting was to be found there.   (for them anyway!)  Based on the weather . . . a small idea formed . . . and I let it mull for a moment before I picked up the phone.  Jenny answered and agreed . . . what a fabulous idea!  So we set off to make it happen.  I lazed around a bit more (I won’t be rushed!) and hopped in the shower.  I put on a nice sundress, and didn’t do my hair.  I rolled the windows down in the car, and let the breeze have it’s way with the fine, wet straw on my head.  Pulling into the store parking lot . . . I formed a mental list in my mind:  eggs, light mayo, wheat bread, cold cuts, pickles (yum!), salad fixins, raisins and . . . green tea yes!  My wandering mind managed to fit a few more things in, and I was on my way. 

I arrived at the BF’s house to be greeted by excited girls. . . . “Mommy said we’re going on a picnic!” . . . .   this time   . . I had hungry kiddies on my hands.  We quickly put together a fancy, healthy feast . . . packed up  . . and set out.  We trolled the Metroparks . . . trying to find the perfect picnic area.  We found it in a huge field.  We peeked around the bend, and the field opened up infront of us . . bathed in sunlight. 

perfect. 

The sun was warm . . . the breeze was soft.  We laid out the blanket and feasted.  K & H had races across the field . . .  . turning to specs as they ran . . . then turning . . . racing back to full size and collapsing on the blanket.  K picked clovers, and I made a makeshift daisy-chain that she used as a bracelet.  After lounging in the sun kissed air, we decided to take a walk towards the creek.  The breeze blew harder . . . my sundress trying to be Marilyn.  The girls giggled, saying my legs were pasty white.   I tickled them.  We made it to the creek, and found another surprise.  An old fjord . . . where tractors and old cars used to cross (when the tide was low) before they built the bridge.  The tide was up over the tire tracks . .. so we kicked off our shoes and splashed in the water.  It was mildly warm and flowing quick.  It licked my ankles and caressed my toes and I swore I’d never leave.  We crossed back and forth . . . stone jumping, splashing.  We stopped by the side, where there was a small waterfall . . . and we stuck our hands and feet into spill.  The water was crystal clear, and I wished I could just jump in . . and that it would be deep . .. rather than just a few inches.   We sent leaves over the ‘falls’ . . . and the girls squealed with delight “look mine’s winning!”.  Memories of playing Pooh Sticks as a child flowed around my head like the creek past my ankles.

I’ve always been drawn to water.  I learned to swim at the age of 10 months.  I’ve never been sea sick (even after a full week on a ship) . . . and I would live on the water if I could afford it.  So any time I can find a slightly remote place where I can play in the water is a place that I will return to time and time again.  

We went home happy, full and sun-weary. 

I think we all slept well that night. 

  (taken in a completely different area in 2004.  But many of Ohio’s Park areas look just like this.  Our creek excursion was similar.)

In a small handful of days, I will have completed my first three months with UH. 

What a relief . . . breath of fresh air this job has been compared to my last.  People here LIKE me.  It’s a good fit for me.  I have a large amount of room to grow and have boundless options on what direction I can take my career.   If I want to.    I keep coming back to the appreciation though.  It’s SO NICE to be appreciated for what I do.  My last job was a constant “no thats wrong, no you’re not working fast enough, your not organize enough . . . do this better” . . . . though she once told me (once) that I was one of the quickest and best workers she had.   She really never quite hit that home to me though. 

We were a bad fit my last boss and I.  She was only a few months older.  One of ‘those types’ that I avoided like the plague when I was younger.  She was probably the ‘stuck up snob’ HS.  The social one . . the perfect one. . . the one that looks down on others for not being perfect.  That’s not me.  I’m intelligent and passionate . . . but I’m a constant little disaster.  I say that in a good way.  I’m always a teensy bit behind . . . and I procrastinate.  But I throw every ounce of who I am into what I do.  I’m happy and upbeat and I find every opportunity to have joy in my life.  She, on the other hand . . . was the “don’t talk to me till after 10 am” type. She found EVERY opportunity to pick apart my work and tell me exactly what I was doing wrong. 

My job now . . they all KNOW that I know what I’m doing, and that I’m doing my best to learn all the new things presented to me.  And I’m very glad to say that I’m happy where I am.  Something I haven’t been able to say in quite a while. 

I’m also accomplishing things in my life, and making changes for myself that will forever impact the person that I am.    It’s a long road, and will take quite a lot of work.  But it’s so worth it . . . and it’ll make me a brand new me. 

I look forward to meeting that woman in the near future. 

PostSecret.com

one of these really touched my heart today. 

I have so much to say . . .

that I only have silence to give.